BE GLAD THINGS AREN'T WORSE...

Funny how every once in a while something happens to remind us that life is unpredictable. Everything can be fine one day and the next day with now warning..BAM..things are turned upside down or we have a 'close call.' It doesn't have to be a dramatic incident, sometimes the small ones get the message across loud and clear that we are often very lucky.
For me it was a call I got from my upset son babbling quietly about how he hurt his knee at a friends and didn't know what to do. That was enough for me to hop it the truck and peel over to his friends house as my son does not complain about much.
When I say the look on his face I knew that it was more than just a bump, cut, scrape or bruise.
His friends were all there telling me about a running game they were playing and Jarryd was racing across the yard and landed on a big metal stake..yikes! I cringed as I know how fast my kid runs...not many can catch him.
I acted neutral, although my heart was racing a bit, and gingerly pulled up his pant leg....ugh! He basically had a hole in his knee and I could see right into it...nasty. He really doesn't like attention so I pulled his pant leg down quickly and lifted him into the car. Then I scooter to see exactly what he landed on...whether it was rusty or not. It was in pretty good shape, a four pronged metal piece sticking about 6 inches out of the ground...I could see that a good 2 inches went into his knee. I made a mental note there was a little rust on the top and some green paint that could have come off.
Next I told one of the boys to go in and get a clean wet cloth to hold on it until I got him home. I ran into Caura (my daughter) biking on the way home and I told her to speed it up cuz I had to take Jarryd to emergency.
I loaded the monkeys in the car, got some ice for Jarryd's knee and headed to emergency.
The doctor was worried that he may had damaged his ligament because it was really deep. He did some tests and figured he did not, that would have been much more serious.
The doctor commented that he was likely about 1/8 th of an inch from hitting one...yikes...too close for comfort.
Because the wound was like a hole the doctor had to stitch across the top of it...back and forth to close most of it...one small space left open so it was less likely to tear.
Through this whole process Jarryd wasn't so worried about the pain, he was concerned that he had x-country finals next week and a hockey game tomorrow night. He didn't like the idea either that he was going to have to take antibiotics for 7 days..yuck!
He survived and looking back now I realize how lucky he was that things weren't worse. A smidgen further and he would have been off his leg for weeks, rather than just having to hobble through things for a couple days.
My point being we often focus on how something bad has happened rather than on how lucky we were that things weren't worse...much more positive don't you think??

ALLOW YOURSELF TO VENT

Life in general is crazy enough and when you are dealing with a sick child we sometimes forget or don't allow ourselves to vent.

For me I didn't allow myself to vent my emotions because I perceived that as weak...I was wrong. By letting your emotions out you prove your strength. You show that you understand what you need to do in order to keep your control and you are confident in yourself to release those emotions and step back up to the plate.

As alway I seem to learn lessons the hard way by keeping my feelings/worries/emotions pretty much to myself these past 5 and a half years , in regards to dealing with my Zarrah's serious health issues.

That was not the right way to do it because I never dealt with my strong emotions when they arose. I tried to be tough and being a little stubborn doesn't help. And now I've realized I have to go back to Day 1 and re-live things...so that I can deal with my emotions...because if I don't I will never be able to close that door and the wound will just keep on opening. And that is one of the worst feelings for me...not know when that caged emotion is going to pounce.

And as I am experiencing right now, it is much more difficult to let emotions go that have had time to fester...than to deal with the new, raw hurt immediately.

So don't be afraid to release your emotions when you are experiencing them. Why??? Because it's the right thing to do...

GET A SUPPORT SYSTEM IN PLACE IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Something I've learned the past five years is to make sure you have a support system in place whether your child is sick or not. You just never know when an emergency is going to arise and it's much better to know you've got people you can count on regardless of the situation.
Whether you've got family nearby or friends you can count on, make sure you keep them in the loop of your life.
If you've got to leave fast you don't want to have to figure out who's going to watch your little ones and how to give the instructions as you scoot out the door. Have a little book that gives all of that information...that'll give you a piece of mind and allow you to concentrate on the matter at hand.
Make sure your kids are comfortable with more than one 'watcher.' You should have at least three different people that could step up to the plate at a moments notice.
Doing this will help to eliminate extra stresses in an unpredictable moment in time...

IS IT OKAY TO FIND HOPE IN SOMEONE ELSE'S TRAGEDY?

Do you think it's okay to gain strength from someone else's tragedy? It's a tough question but I think my answer is 'yes.' Kinda like being thankful for what we have.
When my daughter was at Sick Kid's and I was feeling sorry for myself I would make myself go see the other sick children...the one's that had little hope.
One little guy named Anthony was a cute little 16 month old waiting for a liver transplant. I used to sneak him out of his room for a ride down the hall while his mom took a break. This little guy was smiley like Zarrah and you would never know that his time was limited. He was weak and needed a liver soon or he was going to die...he ended up getting a liver but dying from complications.
Another named Elisa was in NICU with Zarrah. She was born prematurely, 23 weeks I think, and had heart complications because of this. Her parents weren't even there with her and her chance of surviving the night were slim.
I used dire situations like this to give me hope for Zarrah. Yes she was very sick but her odds were much better than a lot of the children fighting for their lives at Sick Kids. Zarrah's issues were surgical and in time should be fixed.
One little girl I became friends with was 3 years old, with long blond hair, sweet little smile but almost nothing to her. She was completely dependant on a feeding tube although there was no explanation for it her dad said. Relying on a feeding tube all the time eventually starts breaking your body down. She just wouldn't eat. And you can't force someone to eat...so sad. The only thing she would eat by mouth was popcorn..ha. Problem was it really mucked up her feeding tube. You can probably guess what I did??...Ha...I got her some popcorn and flushed out her feeding tube after for her dad. My reward?..A nice big smile that broke my heart.
So by understanding how seriously ill most of these children were I was able to gain strength for Zarrah. And I hope others used Zarrah's situation the same way...to get something positive out of it...

IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO BOTTLE YOUR EMOTIONS

Okay...not sure that I should be the one preaching about not keeping your emotions to yourself...but I'm going to anyway because I've done it and I guess I still do.
So maybe I'll read this after I'm done and actually listen to it?..ha
So I'm the Queen of trying to keep my emotions, especially sadness, to myself. Not good I know but in my defence I think I have valid reasons.
First off I never had that so called 'rock' in my life that I felt could handle my 'turmoil', for lack of a better word. I was the strong one, I carried people. Through my mistakes I learned not to trust. Many good friends but none to play that role in the capacity I needed. And honestly I didn't have that much of a need until little Miss Zarrah was discovered. It was a whole new ball game for me, the so-called tough one...ha. Maybe I really wasn't so tough. When you love something so much it hurts and have little control on whether she'll live or die you feel helpless, scared to death and pretty much useless...pointing to 'weak.' I would have done anythings to trade places, died in a minute to spare Zarrah any pain. But the so-called 'Great One' wasn't listening to me.
All I knew to do was to put my walls up so I could survive, to protect those that cared for me and to allow Cathy to feel there was at least one thing she could still do...limit the worry of others.
Secondly I didn't want anybody else to hurt like I was and I still don't. I want smiles not sadness. I don't need people worrying about me, Zarrah deserved their thoughts, not me. I was/are a protector and needed my kids to see that. My job and I couldn't let them down again.
I'm used to taking care of myself, nobody has ever taken care of Cathy except my awesome parents when I was younger. Actually nobody offered to or at least I didn't recognize it at the time.
Lastly I'm just plain stubborn sometimes. I always blame that one on my dad...ha...tough old farmer! I learned somehow to equate needing or crying with being weak. I know it's not but that's my thought process. Not with others, just with me.
Whenever I did cry I would do it by myself, or turn away if I was with anybody. Not a good thing I know but I always figured my reasons validated it. Just didn't feel anybody should worry about me. Or maybe I felt I didn't deserve to have anybody worry...not sure which.
The problem with dealing with hurt the way I did, by bottling it up, is that almost 5 years later it's still there. And now I've got to deal with it one way or another and I think that by opening my journals of Zarrah's Story I may be able to let some of it go...at least that's my plan.
I'll let you know if my new strategy works,,,keep smilin and do yourself a favor...try not to be so tough, let people see your strength by trusting them with your weaknesses.

DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF ON HOW YOU REACT TO EMOTIONAL NEWS

Something I learned with having a sick baby was that it doesn't help to try make yourself react a certain way to unexpected emotional news. Everybody deals with things differently and you need to know it's ok to do what you need to.
Some people withdraw for a bit while they are processing the news, some get angry and voice their thoughts, others seek answers and talk with anyone that will listen, maybe you head to the gym and punch the bag for a few hours. There is no 'right' way to deal with things and try not let people make you feel guilty for 'your way' of coping.
When I first found out my unborn child was very sick I immediately started researching..anywhere I could find information on omphaloceles I searched, read, re-read and then read again. By arming myself with knowledge I felt I was gaining some control on a completely uncontrollable situation.
After this 'phase' was done I put my walls up. Right or wrong in my mind I felt that I didn't need to worry anybody else, me worrying was enough. Although in hindsight I see that caused people to worry more because they didn't understand how I was coping, if I was ok. I hid my pain pretty good and being stubborn didn't help!..sml
I made it through the tough stuff because I am tough. I did what I had to do at the time and hated questioning myself through the process. That in itself added stress, which of course I definitely didn't need.
Try not to feel bad if you snap at someone or just want to be left alone and say so. It's not your responsibility to worry about how other are going to feel. As harsh as that sounds they need to 'suck it up' and not take things personally.
You need to do whatever you need to survive...one foot in front of the other...one step at a time.
Believing even during the hardest times that everything will work out...and it will..sml

SHOCKED THAT YOU'RE UNBORN CHILD ISN'T GOING TO BE 'PERFECT.'

I remember the day I found out I was going to have my fourth child. After having 3 almost perfect pregnancies I was excited to be pregnant again, on top of the world is how I felt.

I took care of myself, exercised regularly, ate well, never gained more than 20 pounds and just felt good pretty much from start to finish.

I went in for my routine 18 week ultrasound and was even more estatic after my little one's got to actually see their new baby on the monitor, it made it real.

The week after was my regular checkup where I got to pee in the cup, blood pressure, weight and my doctor was going to tell me the sex.

I new something was wrong the minute my doctor walked into the room, it was the look in her eye's. She asked me how I was feeling and I didn't answer. I felt my heart pounding, my hands shaking and I asked her what was wrong. She said she was so sorry and that my baby had a rare birth defect...a large isolated omphalocele...My heart sank...it was just the beginning.

I understand the feeling of helplessness one has with this sort of news. It's devastating. You never know how you're going to react unless it happens to you. There's no 'right' way to deal with it, just to keep one foot in front of the other and try to think positively.

Give yourself time to adjust...your sense of disbelief and hurt will lessen.

I have recorded my story, Zarrah's Story, from Day 1...which we are still working through 5 almost 5 years later.

Just remember this...there is a reason for everything...you may not recognize it right now...but one day you will...and you'll smile...

Here's Miss Zarrah..you wouldn't know she fought for her life most of her first year and that her stomach shows the tales of her many surgeries..still happy..still smilin...

Check out my website for Zarrah's Story...a work in progress...ha...cathywilson05.com

Keep smilin..