IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO BOTTLE YOUR EMOTIONS

Okay...not sure that I should be the one preaching about not keeping your emotions to yourself...but I'm going to anyway because I've done it and I guess I still do.
So maybe I'll read this after I'm done and actually listen to it?..ha
So I'm the Queen of trying to keep my emotions, especially sadness, to myself. Not good I know but in my defence I think I have valid reasons.
First off I never had that so called 'rock' in my life that I felt could handle my 'turmoil', for lack of a better word. I was the strong one, I carried people. Through my mistakes I learned not to trust. Many good friends but none to play that role in the capacity I needed. And honestly I didn't have that much of a need until little Miss Zarrah was discovered. It was a whole new ball game for me, the so-called tough one...ha. Maybe I really wasn't so tough. When you love something so much it hurts and have little control on whether she'll live or die you feel helpless, scared to death and pretty much useless...pointing to 'weak.' I would have done anythings to trade places, died in a minute to spare Zarrah any pain. But the so-called 'Great One' wasn't listening to me.
All I knew to do was to put my walls up so I could survive, to protect those that cared for me and to allow Cathy to feel there was at least one thing she could still do...limit the worry of others.
Secondly I didn't want anybody else to hurt like I was and I still don't. I want smiles not sadness. I don't need people worrying about me, Zarrah deserved their thoughts, not me. I was/are a protector and needed my kids to see that. My job and I couldn't let them down again.
I'm used to taking care of myself, nobody has ever taken care of Cathy except my awesome parents when I was younger. Actually nobody offered to or at least I didn't recognize it at the time.
Lastly I'm just plain stubborn sometimes. I always blame that one on my dad...ha...tough old farmer! I learned somehow to equate needing or crying with being weak. I know it's not but that's my thought process. Not with others, just with me.
Whenever I did cry I would do it by myself, or turn away if I was with anybody. Not a good thing I know but I always figured my reasons validated it. Just didn't feel anybody should worry about me. Or maybe I felt I didn't deserve to have anybody worry...not sure which.
The problem with dealing with hurt the way I did, by bottling it up, is that almost 5 years later it's still there. And now I've got to deal with it one way or another and I think that by opening my journals of Zarrah's Story I may be able to let some of it go...at least that's my plan.
I'll let you know if my new strategy works,,,keep smilin and do yourself a favor...try not to be so tough, let people see your strength by trusting them with your weaknesses.