IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO BOTTLE YOUR EMOTIONS

Okay...not sure that I should be the one preaching about not keeping your emotions to yourself...but I'm going to anyway because I've done it and I guess I still do.
So maybe I'll read this after I'm done and actually listen to it?..ha
So I'm the Queen of trying to keep my emotions, especially sadness, to myself. Not good I know but in my defence I think I have valid reasons.
First off I never had that so called 'rock' in my life that I felt could handle my 'turmoil', for lack of a better word. I was the strong one, I carried people. Through my mistakes I learned not to trust. Many good friends but none to play that role in the capacity I needed. And honestly I didn't have that much of a need until little Miss Zarrah was discovered. It was a whole new ball game for me, the so-called tough one...ha. Maybe I really wasn't so tough. When you love something so much it hurts and have little control on whether she'll live or die you feel helpless, scared to death and pretty much useless...pointing to 'weak.' I would have done anythings to trade places, died in a minute to spare Zarrah any pain. But the so-called 'Great One' wasn't listening to me.
All I knew to do was to put my walls up so I could survive, to protect those that cared for me and to allow Cathy to feel there was at least one thing she could still do...limit the worry of others.
Secondly I didn't want anybody else to hurt like I was and I still don't. I want smiles not sadness. I don't need people worrying about me, Zarrah deserved their thoughts, not me. I was/are a protector and needed my kids to see that. My job and I couldn't let them down again.
I'm used to taking care of myself, nobody has ever taken care of Cathy except my awesome parents when I was younger. Actually nobody offered to or at least I didn't recognize it at the time.
Lastly I'm just plain stubborn sometimes. I always blame that one on my dad...ha...tough old farmer! I learned somehow to equate needing or crying with being weak. I know it's not but that's my thought process. Not with others, just with me.
Whenever I did cry I would do it by myself, or turn away if I was with anybody. Not a good thing I know but I always figured my reasons validated it. Just didn't feel anybody should worry about me. Or maybe I felt I didn't deserve to have anybody worry...not sure which.
The problem with dealing with hurt the way I did, by bottling it up, is that almost 5 years later it's still there. And now I've got to deal with it one way or another and I think that by opening my journals of Zarrah's Story I may be able to let some of it go...at least that's my plan.
I'll let you know if my new strategy works,,,keep smilin and do yourself a favor...try not to be so tough, let people see your strength by trusting them with your weaknesses.

DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF ON HOW YOU REACT TO EMOTIONAL NEWS

Something I learned with having a sick baby was that it doesn't help to try make yourself react a certain way to unexpected emotional news. Everybody deals with things differently and you need to know it's ok to do what you need to.
Some people withdraw for a bit while they are processing the news, some get angry and voice their thoughts, others seek answers and talk with anyone that will listen, maybe you head to the gym and punch the bag for a few hours. There is no 'right' way to deal with things and try not let people make you feel guilty for 'your way' of coping.
When I first found out my unborn child was very sick I immediately started researching..anywhere I could find information on omphaloceles I searched, read, re-read and then read again. By arming myself with knowledge I felt I was gaining some control on a completely uncontrollable situation.
After this 'phase' was done I put my walls up. Right or wrong in my mind I felt that I didn't need to worry anybody else, me worrying was enough. Although in hindsight I see that caused people to worry more because they didn't understand how I was coping, if I was ok. I hid my pain pretty good and being stubborn didn't help!..sml
I made it through the tough stuff because I am tough. I did what I had to do at the time and hated questioning myself through the process. That in itself added stress, which of course I definitely didn't need.
Try not to feel bad if you snap at someone or just want to be left alone and say so. It's not your responsibility to worry about how other are going to feel. As harsh as that sounds they need to 'suck it up' and not take things personally.
You need to do whatever you need to survive...one foot in front of the other...one step at a time.
Believing even during the hardest times that everything will work out...and it will..sml

SHOCKED THAT YOU'RE UNBORN CHILD ISN'T GOING TO BE 'PERFECT.'

I remember the day I found out I was going to have my fourth child. After having 3 almost perfect pregnancies I was excited to be pregnant again, on top of the world is how I felt.

I took care of myself, exercised regularly, ate well, never gained more than 20 pounds and just felt good pretty much from start to finish.

I went in for my routine 18 week ultrasound and was even more estatic after my little one's got to actually see their new baby on the monitor, it made it real.

The week after was my regular checkup where I got to pee in the cup, blood pressure, weight and my doctor was going to tell me the sex.

I new something was wrong the minute my doctor walked into the room, it was the look in her eye's. She asked me how I was feeling and I didn't answer. I felt my heart pounding, my hands shaking and I asked her what was wrong. She said she was so sorry and that my baby had a rare birth defect...a large isolated omphalocele...My heart sank...it was just the beginning.

I understand the feeling of helplessness one has with this sort of news. It's devastating. You never know how you're going to react unless it happens to you. There's no 'right' way to deal with it, just to keep one foot in front of the other and try to think positively.

Give yourself time to adjust...your sense of disbelief and hurt will lessen.

I have recorded my story, Zarrah's Story, from Day 1...which we are still working through 5 almost 5 years later.

Just remember this...there is a reason for everything...you may not recognize it right now...but one day you will...and you'll smile...

Here's Miss Zarrah..you wouldn't know she fought for her life most of her first year and that her stomach shows the tales of her many surgeries..still happy..still smilin...

Check out my website for Zarrah's Story...a work in progress...ha...cathywilson05.com

Keep smilin..